Scars

There are two types of Scars that most of us need to learn how to deal with when living life after cancer. The first one are the physical scars that mark up our body where you feel like you just got off of Dr. Frankenstein's operating table, and the second are the emotional scars that will be with you forever.

Body Scars are supposed to be the Cancer equivalent of a Combat Medal and I constantly hear that "its better than the alternative". Well, that' true and obvious but for me the scars make me feel less attractive and desirable. Even when my wife might not be "in the mood" because we do have an infant, but I naturally wonder is it because of how I look. I know deep in my heart that she does not feel that way, but it does cross my mind. After all, I have a huge scar that looks like a "dead whale" running down my mid section. It's so disgusting that I will have to keep it covered up for the rest of my life! Then I have another one along the left side of my torso.  There are some days that I look in the mirror and I am proud of all that I have overcome and achieved in the last several years and then there are some days that I look at that same person in the mirror and I feel like a filleted fish.

My physical scars play a part in the emotional scars that I have endured since Cancer entered my life in 2007. My emotional scars are wide ranged, from dealing with the fact that you have had cancer twice and the subsequent operations and side effects that I live with on a daily basis. Sometimes I think the only person who truly understands what it takes for me to stay active and involved with my children and to be productive at my job is my wife. This beautiful and caring woman has never known the "pre-cancer" Keith. The Keith that didn't live everyday with pain, nausea, headaches, and whatever else God has passed my way since 2007.

My emotional scars have developed from years of being passed along from doctor to doctor in my quest to "Be Normal", or battling my ex wife who decided to teach our children that "I was just faking my symptoms in order to keep the spotlight on me instead of them" and "I want people to feel bad for me".  I have emotional scars from people who thought they could betray me and screw me over in order to better their own cause and situation by taking advantage of my difficult health status. I'll I have to say to those respective individuals is "shame on you!" Shame on you for not only what you have done to me but what you have done to the people around you. Shame on you for being passive aggressive in using the children of our family as a smoke screen in order to hide your true agenda.

Meeting my wife has made me a better father, husband, and person. Her love is like a healing light that has helped me get rid of the anger and deal with the emotional and physical scars that plague me in my fight to "Be Normal".