The Long and Winding Road

My recovery from this previous operation has been a series of ups and downs. I have found that psychologically, I am tired of not feeling well, being in pain, dealing with fevers, sweats, chills, sleeping on my back, not being able to pick up my 2 year old son or be intimate with my wife. I have watched so much MSNBC, that I can have my own show and ramble on for an hour about how much Donald Trump is a racist, sexist, and egomaniac.  I want to feel normal again and be able to go on with my life!

Sometimes I get to the point that after 6 operations, my will to fight and be positive is gone. It seems that there is a set back lurking around every corner. For example, for the first time since the operation, I felt better last Saturday. I was able to push Evan in his stroller throughout the neighborhood, play with him, and laugh and have great conversations with my wife. Then Sunday morning, I noticed my stomach was bloated and it was painful and then the high fever came back on Sunday night. I went back to the Surgeon and I have a bad infection. He needed to create a hole in my stomach in order to drain the infection right in his office! So now, I am on antibiotics and having to change bandages twice a day.

When I mention to my wife that I'm ready to throw in the towel, she forcefully reminds me that I am loved and needed and that she doesn't want to go through life without me. Even though my wonderful wife has been stuck for weeks taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and going to her full time job, where she is learning a new position, she has the love and compassion to remind me how much I am loved by her and the kids. 

Later in the day, Evan was lying in bed with me and I was reading him a book. Spontaneously, he leans over and gives his Dad a kiss and a big hug! That's what keeps me inspired to "keep moving forward".

Keep on Living

Last Friday night I was lying in my hospital bed stairing out the window looking at the stars in the sky. It was 2 pm in the morning and I was in the middle of another sleepless night and had all of my thoughts to myself. I have trouble sleeping or getting any rest when I'm in the hospital.How can anyone expect me to get any rest! There are tubes draining blood from my organs on both sides of my body, I'm hooked up to machines monitoring my heart rate, breathing rate, and many staples that makes up the incision line. When I finally nod off, there is always a nurse that comes in a minute later to check my vitals.

 With all that was going on in my life, it felt like their was a calmness and I was able to reflect on the weeks leading up to my surgery. I was feeling disappointed in myself because I felt that I had not done enough to enjoy my time with my wife and children before the surgery. Most people who has gone through the trials & tribulations of Cancer and the "aftermath", including myself, always preach about "enjoying life" and "appreciating & cherishing your time with spouse and loved ones" but I was not following my own advice during these weeks prior to my surgery. I acted like a "deadman walking ".

Dr. Mahan said that there was risks with this operation and after surgery, my pulse and blood pressure was constantly high. I'm  There was now a possibility of stroke, heart attack, etc.I decided that night that my Wife and I need to "Keep on Living", meaning that we need to enjoy the moments that we have together and we cannot make excuses about making new ones. For example, it is more important to spend a quality half hour together after Kids go to bed than to fold laundry or watch the ball game. The laundry will be there in the morning, one of us might not be.

When I got home from the hospital last week, I expressed my feelings to my wife and to my delight, she had already decided that we need to go on the honeymoon that has taken a back seat to work, 5 kids, my health, and life in general. It's easy to say or write that you are going to remain strong, but the hard part is staying strong over a long period of time.

2nd Opinions and the Big Apple

As I am getting ready to have my sixth abdomen operation with all the inherent risks, my wife and I felt it would be a good idea to get a second opinion. Don't get me wrong, I love and highly respect Dr. Mahan, but it's always good to see if an expert might have a solution that would help my situation. With that said, I decided to go see Dr, Divino, a surgeon at Mount Sinai Hospital in NY. I also took the opportunity to spend some quality time with my daughter Caitlin and take her to see a few universities in the region.

 I don't want to spend much time writing about my 2nd Opinion due to the fact that she agreed with Dr. Mahan's assessment and Dr. Divino didn't seem to want to spend much time with me.  Not that I blame her, since I feel comfortable with Dr. Mahan and I wasn't going to become her patient at this time. More important was the time I got to spend with my daughter. We went to visit Hofstra University, my sister Chelsea's Alma Mater, where we had a very entertaining tour guide. The next day, my Dad and I escorted Caitlin to NYU. It was so honored to take her there because it is a school she has been dreaming about going to since she was little. Whether or not my daughter winds up going to NYU is irrelevant in my mind because we will always have that day together.

On our last day of visiting, we went to visit my Alma Mater; Stony Brook University. Even though Caitlin will most likely wind up not going there, I was able to show her my dorm, the Student Union and some of the buildings where I took classes. I was able to take a moment and put my health issues aside and go down memory lane. During the trip, I told my Daughter that I want her to weigh the good and the bad of all the schools that she is visiting in New York and Florida and determine if she could picture herself at that particular school. This will be the first major decision of her adult life and when she is my age, I want her to also be able to go down her "memory lane" with a smile.

The trip did more harm than good on my body physically but I would not change it for the world. Caitlin is a very special young woman. She enters a room with a smile on her face and she brightens the mood of everyone in the room. Caitlin is extremely determined and doesn't like to lose at anything (game or argument). She is highly intelligent and will be successful in life as long as she always keeps believing in herself. Caitlin has a wonderful soft side and it shows in her interactions with her friends and family. We both went home a little under the weather, but I will cherish our few days together in the Big Apple. My dear Caitlin, "I'll love you forever and a lifetime before"!

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

The Battle of the Bulge has taken a turn which has forced me to make the decision to have another major operation in July. Dr. Mahan let me know that he can take all the scans in the world but because I have had so many operations, he can't tell if there is anything additional wrong aside from having no muscle holding in my organs. He would like to put my "anatomy" back together using a plastic material which will act as an artificial muscle. Just call me Humpty Dumpty!

This time I'm more than scared. I'll keep fighting but with the risks involved, which includes complications, possible open wounds, death, it makes you think. What scares me the most is that with all other of my operations, I could envision my life after the surgery, with this one, I'm having trouble seeing my life after. Instead of seeing Caitlin and Brandon's graduation from high school in my mind or the honeymoon Holly and I have talked about since we met, I see nothing. It's dark as night and it makes me sad.

I am going to get a second opinion at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC, but the reality is unless the Doctor has a miracle idea or strategy, I will be going under the knife on July 18, four days after Evan's second birthday. I want to spend every waking second with my children. I feel if I don't then they won't remember how much I love them and that they mean the world to me. I want to have non-stop intimate moments with my wife because we have only just begun our lives together and she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I could not ask for more than the love she gives me.

This doesn't mean that no matter what happens that I don't have that fire inside to overcome any obstacle in order to reach my goal of living a long and happy life. It's just that since the Doctor discussed the risks with me and my wife, I felt mortal, that I will not live forever. That's the hard part because "loosing everything is like the sun going down on me!"

Battle of the Bulge

I have now entered a new chapter in my fight and with that comes decisions that are not easy to make. I wish that my reference to the title of my post was that I was trying to lose weight, however, that is not the case. Over the last few weeks, I have developed lumps and swelling in my abdomen, predominately around right side of my scar. I was hesitant to go back to the surgeon because at first I was tired of doctors, tests, and CT Scans. Unfortunately, over the next couple of weeks, the lumps swelled up and the pain got worse.

I went back to Dr. Mahan, who performed my last operation, and he was at a loss. There was nothing on my CT Scan that showed a blockage but on the other hand I have had so many operations, he couldn't tell what is wrong. He thought it could possibly be old mesh from prior surgeries had failed. Mahan wanted me to try and do normal activities until my next appointment in three weeks. I didn't even make it a week. The swelling got worse and moved to the above the scar and below . I was scared. Mahan said that I needed to avoid surgery because not only would it be a major operation, but there was high risk, which could include possible death.

I didn't want to just go to an emergency room as I knew my history was complicated and they would have deferred to wait for Mahan to return. With my appetite decreasing and nausea increasing, I had an emergency appointment with Mahan's partner.  Dr. Venuneau looked at me after reviewing my records and said that the large bulge was a hernia and that my intestines were herniated as well. He said that this was due to the fact that no muscle had grown back from my abdomen wall never fully healing. Anyway, Venuneau said that an operation would put me in the hospital for several weeks and cause a variety of complications. All he could do was tell me to go to the bathroom more and rest. I told him that I go to the bathroom several times a day and I don't think that is the issue.

Frustrated that the only relief I get, if any, is to lie down as much as possible.  I can't see living like this and pain medication only masks the issue. With decisions that not only will effect myself and my future, but it will also effect my family, I decided to go for a second opinion. After my June 8 appointment with Mahan, I will fly up to NYC and see a surgical specialist at Mount Sinai Hospital. I am in the early phases of this battle, but I won't let my frustration and fear cloud my judgement and desire to keep moving forward. Cancer has taken it's toll on me physically the last several years but it will never affect how I feel and my ability to love.

What is Beauty

I have had a hard time dealing with how my abdomen looks since I have healed from my last operation. I have a large scar that hasn't fully healed with two staples exposed down the middle of my stomach, a whole on my right side from an incision that became infected, my scar on my left side from my second cancer operation, and my belly button is a few centimeters to the right of where it should be. Needless to say, I am not looking to go to the beach or pool without a shirt, but I am scared to death to take off my shirt.  I am afraid of what people will think and say.

I am always nervous that my wife won't find me attractive anymore, but she has constantly told me that they are my battle scars and that I look sexy. God, how I love this woman. I still don't know how I got so lucky! This got me thinking about how we as a society define "beauty". More than ever, we equate beauty with looks. We look at celebrities from Jessica Alba and Chris Hemsworth, to Jenny McCarthy and Joe Maganiello and the first thing that comes to mind is wow, they are gorgeous, Men and Woman bust their asses at the gym just to look halfway as good as they do. On the flip side, especially with being able to hide in the darkness of social media, we have become a cruel society. We make unnecessary comments about how Kim Kardashian and the rest of her family looks. No wonder why I, and many people, feel this way!

What I am trying to drill into my dumb ass head is that my wife is right. (Don't tell her I said that!) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It is not how you look on the outside. Whether you are heavy set, scarred, missing a limb, or can't see or hear, what matters most is the journey that you have taken. The obstacles you have overcome, and most importantly how you treat your wife, children, family, and fellow man/woman. As the line from the Christina Aguilera song goes, "I am beautiful no matter what they say."

Love Letter to Holly (Written 3 Years Ago Prior to My Second Cancer Operation)

My Love,

Thank you for your Kindness,
Your Beauty
Your Sensitivity
Your Smile
Your Laugh
Your Toughness
Your Caring
Your Touch
and most of all for loving me.

Keith

One Month from Dying

I know this is my first blog post in a while and the reason its took me so long to write is that I have been having trouble wrapping my head around the magnitude of what I have gone through since my operation five months ago. Your first thoughts when you are lying in the hospital is to focus on the present, i.e. what do I need to do physically and mentally to get out of the hospital and get home. Yes, my surgeon told me several times that if we had waited to have the operation, then within a month my intestine's would have burst and I would most likely be gone.

I understood the words that he said but I was so focused on getting better and doing everything possible to heal the huge wound in my abdomen that I went home with. Now, as months have gone on and the wound has healed as best as it will, these thoughts have crept into my head. For one, I have a scar on my stomach with two staples sticking out to remind me of what happened and what could have been. For gods sake, my bell button is several inches to the right of where it should be!! I am not ready to go but I almost went! Even though I have had several operations before, at 46, this is the first time I felt mortal and old.

My wife tells me that she loves me and that I need to be happy that I am still here. After all, I did promise to hang out with her for the rest of our lives, which we plan to last until we are late into our nineties. Over the last few weeks, I have found myself having a new found admiration for my parents, especially my Dad and the great person that he is. Memories of my childhood keep randomly popping into my brain. I haven't given my Dad enough credit for how he has been a great influence in my life. I have written a lot about it in my previous blogs about how I value the time with all my children and that hasn't changed.. I don't want to let them go and I don't think they even realize that they almost lost their Dad. Most of all, loosing my wife Holly would be a cruel twist of fate as we are only a few years into our journey together. There is still so much we want to do and see together. That could have been taken away but it wasn't and I need to learn to realize that.

I will forever have to live with the physical pain and being deformed, but that does not define me as a person. It's natural to be spooked for a bit, but the happiness and love that Holly and our children give me is so much worth living for.

Determination

Everyday the man upstairs gives you new challenges.  It is the strong willed and determined that gives you faith and keeps you going instead of "throwing in the towel".

Scars

There are two types of Scars that most of us need to learn how to deal with when living life after cancer. The first one are the physical scars that mark up our body where you feel like you just got off of Dr. Frankenstein's operating table, and the second are the emotional scars that will be with you forever.

Body Scars are supposed to be the Cancer equivalent of a Combat Medal and I constantly hear that "its better than the alternative". Well, that' true and obvious but for me the scars make me feel less attractive and desirable. Even when my wife might not be "in the mood" because we do have an infant, but I naturally wonder is it because of how I look. I know deep in my heart that she does not feel that way, but it does cross my mind. After all, I have a huge scar that looks like a "dead whale" running down my mid section. It's so disgusting that I will have to keep it covered up for the rest of my life! Then I have another one along the left side of my torso.  There are some days that I look in the mirror and I am proud of all that I have overcome and achieved in the last several years and then there are some days that I look at that same person in the mirror and I feel like a filleted fish.

My physical scars play a part in the emotional scars that I have endured since Cancer entered my life in 2007. My emotional scars are wide ranged, from dealing with the fact that you have had cancer twice and the subsequent operations and side effects that I live with on a daily basis. Sometimes I think the only person who truly understands what it takes for me to stay active and involved with my children and to be productive at my job is my wife. This beautiful and caring woman has never known the "pre-cancer" Keith. The Keith that didn't live everyday with pain, nausea, headaches, and whatever else God has passed my way since 2007.

My emotional scars have developed from years of being passed along from doctor to doctor in my quest to "Be Normal", or battling my ex wife who decided to teach our children that "I was just faking my symptoms in order to keep the spotlight on me instead of them" and "I want people to feel bad for me".  I have emotional scars from people who thought they could betray me and screw me over in order to better their own cause and situation by taking advantage of my difficult health status. I'll I have to say to those respective individuals is "shame on you!" Shame on you for not only what you have done to me but what you have done to the people around you. Shame on you for being passive aggressive in using the children of our family as a smoke screen in order to hide your true agenda.

Meeting my wife has made me a better father, husband, and person. Her love is like a healing light that has helped me get rid of the anger and deal with the emotional and physical scars that plague me in my fight to "Be Normal".