Keep on Living

Last Friday night I was lying in my hospital bed stairing out the window looking at the stars in the sky. It was 2 pm in the morning and I was in the middle of another sleepless night and had all of my thoughts to myself. I have trouble sleeping or getting any rest when I'm in the hospital.How can anyone expect me to get any rest! There are tubes draining blood from my organs on both sides of my body, I'm hooked up to machines monitoring my heart rate, breathing rate, and many staples that makes up the incision line. When I finally nod off, there is always a nurse that comes in a minute later to check my vitals.

 With all that was going on in my life, it felt like their was a calmness and I was able to reflect on the weeks leading up to my surgery. I was feeling disappointed in myself because I felt that I had not done enough to enjoy my time with my wife and children before the surgery. Most people who has gone through the trials & tribulations of Cancer and the "aftermath", including myself, always preach about "enjoying life" and "appreciating & cherishing your time with spouse and loved ones" but I was not following my own advice during these weeks prior to my surgery. I acted like a "deadman walking ".

Dr. Mahan said that there was risks with this operation and after surgery, my pulse and blood pressure was constantly high. I'm  There was now a possibility of stroke, heart attack, etc.I decided that night that my Wife and I need to "Keep on Living", meaning that we need to enjoy the moments that we have together and we cannot make excuses about making new ones. For example, it is more important to spend a quality half hour together after Kids go to bed than to fold laundry or watch the ball game. The laundry will be there in the morning, one of us might not be.

When I got home from the hospital last week, I expressed my feelings to my wife and to my delight, she had already decided that we need to go on the honeymoon that has taken a back seat to work, 5 kids, my health, and life in general. It's easy to say or write that you are going to remain strong, but the hard part is staying strong over a long period of time.

2nd Opinions and the Big Apple

As I am getting ready to have my sixth abdomen operation with all the inherent risks, my wife and I felt it would be a good idea to get a second opinion. Don't get me wrong, I love and highly respect Dr. Mahan, but it's always good to see if an expert might have a solution that would help my situation. With that said, I decided to go see Dr, Divino, a surgeon at Mount Sinai Hospital in NY. I also took the opportunity to spend some quality time with my daughter Caitlin and take her to see a few universities in the region.

 I don't want to spend much time writing about my 2nd Opinion due to the fact that she agreed with Dr. Mahan's assessment and Dr. Divino didn't seem to want to spend much time with me.  Not that I blame her, since I feel comfortable with Dr. Mahan and I wasn't going to become her patient at this time. More important was the time I got to spend with my daughter. We went to visit Hofstra University, my sister Chelsea's Alma Mater, where we had a very entertaining tour guide. The next day, my Dad and I escorted Caitlin to NYU. It was so honored to take her there because it is a school she has been dreaming about going to since she was little. Whether or not my daughter winds up going to NYU is irrelevant in my mind because we will always have that day together.

On our last day of visiting, we went to visit my Alma Mater; Stony Brook University. Even though Caitlin will most likely wind up not going there, I was able to show her my dorm, the Student Union and some of the buildings where I took classes. I was able to take a moment and put my health issues aside and go down memory lane. During the trip, I told my Daughter that I want her to weigh the good and the bad of all the schools that she is visiting in New York and Florida and determine if she could picture herself at that particular school. This will be the first major decision of her adult life and when she is my age, I want her to also be able to go down her "memory lane" with a smile.

The trip did more harm than good on my body physically but I would not change it for the world. Caitlin is a very special young woman. She enters a room with a smile on her face and she brightens the mood of everyone in the room. Caitlin is extremely determined and doesn't like to lose at anything (game or argument). She is highly intelligent and will be successful in life as long as she always keeps believing in herself. Caitlin has a wonderful soft side and it shows in her interactions with her friends and family. We both went home a little under the weather, but I will cherish our few days together in the Big Apple. My dear Caitlin, "I'll love you forever and a lifetime before"!