Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

The Battle of the Bulge has taken a turn which has forced me to make the decision to have another major operation in July. Dr. Mahan let me know that he can take all the scans in the world but because I have had so many operations, he can't tell if there is anything additional wrong aside from having no muscle holding in my organs. He would like to put my "anatomy" back together using a plastic material which will act as an artificial muscle. Just call me Humpty Dumpty!

This time I'm more than scared. I'll keep fighting but with the risks involved, which includes complications, possible open wounds, death, it makes you think. What scares me the most is that with all other of my operations, I could envision my life after the surgery, with this one, I'm having trouble seeing my life after. Instead of seeing Caitlin and Brandon's graduation from high school in my mind or the honeymoon Holly and I have talked about since we met, I see nothing. It's dark as night and it makes me sad.

I am going to get a second opinion at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC, but the reality is unless the Doctor has a miracle idea or strategy, I will be going under the knife on July 18, four days after Evan's second birthday. I want to spend every waking second with my children. I feel if I don't then they won't remember how much I love them and that they mean the world to me. I want to have non-stop intimate moments with my wife because we have only just begun our lives together and she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I could not ask for more than the love she gives me.

This doesn't mean that no matter what happens that I don't have that fire inside to overcome any obstacle in order to reach my goal of living a long and happy life. It's just that since the Doctor discussed the risks with me and my wife, I felt mortal, that I will not live forever. That's the hard part because "loosing everything is like the sun going down on me!"

Battle of the Bulge

I have now entered a new chapter in my fight and with that comes decisions that are not easy to make. I wish that my reference to the title of my post was that I was trying to lose weight, however, that is not the case. Over the last few weeks, I have developed lumps and swelling in my abdomen, predominately around right side of my scar. I was hesitant to go back to the surgeon because at first I was tired of doctors, tests, and CT Scans. Unfortunately, over the next couple of weeks, the lumps swelled up and the pain got worse.

I went back to Dr. Mahan, who performed my last operation, and he was at a loss. There was nothing on my CT Scan that showed a blockage but on the other hand I have had so many operations, he couldn't tell what is wrong. He thought it could possibly be old mesh from prior surgeries had failed. Mahan wanted me to try and do normal activities until my next appointment in three weeks. I didn't even make it a week. The swelling got worse and moved to the above the scar and below . I was scared. Mahan said that I needed to avoid surgery because not only would it be a major operation, but there was high risk, which could include possible death.

I didn't want to just go to an emergency room as I knew my history was complicated and they would have deferred to wait for Mahan to return. With my appetite decreasing and nausea increasing, I had an emergency appointment with Mahan's partner.  Dr. Venuneau looked at me after reviewing my records and said that the large bulge was a hernia and that my intestines were herniated as well. He said that this was due to the fact that no muscle had grown back from my abdomen wall never fully healing. Anyway, Venuneau said that an operation would put me in the hospital for several weeks and cause a variety of complications. All he could do was tell me to go to the bathroom more and rest. I told him that I go to the bathroom several times a day and I don't think that is the issue.

Frustrated that the only relief I get, if any, is to lie down as much as possible.  I can't see living like this and pain medication only masks the issue. With decisions that not only will effect myself and my future, but it will also effect my family, I decided to go for a second opinion. After my June 8 appointment with Mahan, I will fly up to NYC and see a surgical specialist at Mount Sinai Hospital. I am in the early phases of this battle, but I won't let my frustration and fear cloud my judgement and desire to keep moving forward. Cancer has taken it's toll on me physically the last several years but it will never affect how I feel and my ability to love.