The Battle of the Bulge has taken a turn which has forced me to make the decision to have another major operation in July. Dr. Mahan let me know that he can take all the scans in the world but because I have had so many operations, he can't tell if there is anything additional wrong aside from having no muscle holding in my organs. He would like to put my "anatomy" back together using a plastic material which will act as an artificial muscle. Just call me Humpty Dumpty!
This time I'm more than scared. I'll keep fighting but with the risks involved, which includes complications, possible open wounds, death, it makes you think. What scares me the most is that with all other of my operations, I could envision my life after the surgery, with this one, I'm having trouble seeing my life after. Instead of seeing Caitlin and Brandon's graduation from high school in my mind or the honeymoon Holly and I have talked about since we met, I see nothing. It's dark as night and it makes me sad.
I am going to get a second opinion at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC, but the reality is unless the Doctor has a miracle idea or strategy, I will be going under the knife on July 18, four days after Evan's second birthday. I want to spend every waking second with my children. I feel if I don't then they won't remember how much I love them and that they mean the world to me. I want to have non-stop intimate moments with my wife because we have only just begun our lives together and she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I could not ask for more than the love she gives me.
This doesn't mean that no matter what happens that I don't have that fire inside to overcome any obstacle in order to reach my goal of living a long and happy life. It's just that since the Doctor discussed the risks with me and my wife, I felt mortal, that I will not live forever. That's the hard part because "loosing everything is like the sun going down on me!"
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